How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
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