Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
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