an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
