I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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