Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
