i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
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