I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
