You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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