youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
