I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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