the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
