you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
