like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
