the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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