I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
