Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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