this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
