I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
