I faked an abortion last night.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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