It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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