I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
