For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
