I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
