I didn't shave. On purpose
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
