I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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