Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
