She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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