Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
