Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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