plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
i think im in europe. pls send help
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
