My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
