We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Last time i carry you out of a forest
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
