Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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