I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
