Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
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