Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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