I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
