Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
