i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Found your dick twin last night
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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