I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
They took my balls.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
