he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You had me at "let me see your balls"
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
