Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
