go do what you do best...puke behind churches
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
