look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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