Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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