One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
