You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
