You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
