I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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