I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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