I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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