she woke up with a sticky ear
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
