her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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