ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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