I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I think I just sharted jello shots
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