i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
