There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
