i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Randomize
