Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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