going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
