Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
