She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
