wakey wakey hands off snakey
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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