Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
