And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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