Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
