Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
