you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Randomize
