Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
