Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
