My sheets look like a crime scene.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
